Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
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On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
A dad and his duck
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring