Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.

If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

Meanwhile, in Facebook,

Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.

Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.

Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?

Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.

Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.

What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

My brain is a bad influence on me

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.

I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.

Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?