Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.

People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids

People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!

The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!

Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.

Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

Look at this

🐿️

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus

[Fat lady goes to the zoo]

Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?

Bear – It looks like your mom

NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy

Me: umm

CEO: call it crunchy

Me: oh ok then we charge less

CEO: hahaha no