Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
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Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
sure, why not
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
I triple waxed for this?
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.