Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
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Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.