Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
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me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”