synchronized noseblowing
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Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius