Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
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H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Somebody call the cops.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.