Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.

It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.

All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.

On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.

me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”

So I took his Visa

*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*

Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-

Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?

13-year-old: Not that I remember.

Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?

13: I’d rather not.

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel

Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.

“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”

Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory

her: wanna be my fwb?

me: friends with bacon???

her: …