“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
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“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
what day is it?
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.