“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
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“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work