“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
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It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy