T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
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Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
We all have our pet causes.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*