Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy

My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.

“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”

The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”

Guantanamo Bae

sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

They say all good things must come to an end…

After 7 wonderful years of marriage…

I walked in on my wife…

Watching Twilight..

Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?

google: give it to someone else

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.

Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.

Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.

Me: ok cool.

~6 mos later~

Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?

Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.

Ghost: [quietly sobs]

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.

Lol #dogsoftwitter

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.