Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!

Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??

7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!

According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.

Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!

oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow

Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.

I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.