“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
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If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
January has been Januweary
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.