Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.

i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore

The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

In my will, when I die…

To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

Who else does this 🤦🏽😂

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.

As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon

Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:

My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?

ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow