Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?

We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

Me: How old am I?

Brain: Give me a minute.

Me: What’s my email password?

Brain: I don’t remember.

Me: Why’d I walk in this room?

Brain: I have no idea.

Me:

Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*

If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

Me: When do you install the lasers?

Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…

Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.

Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.

Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*