Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?

Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

I was up all night reading about insomnia

Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you

“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

bartender: the usual?

me: you know it

bartender: [throws me thru window]

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.

Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?

I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃

when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch

putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep

Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.

bros in the example zone 😭

Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.

dvd? why are the Ds fighting??

“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up