T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
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I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
this makes me so uncomfortable
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google