T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
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Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
What’s the point buying it then?
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome