T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
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-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
There’s this lady on IG who thinks she’s cracked the toddler code and smugly shares all of her hacks. She’s like, “Don’t tell your toddler to do something. Ask them if they’re big enough or strong enough to do it. They’re dying to prove they can.”
So I was like, “Ok, worth a try…”
Me: Hey, Jack, are you big and strong enough to go tell Kip it’s time for dinner?
3 yo: No, thanks.
🤦🏻♀️
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
I bet a dragon could defeat a unicorn. Unicorns are just pointy horses.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
scientifically speaking, how long do you plan to be this stupid?
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit