T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
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When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.