Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?

A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda

Sweet. Free refrigerators!

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.