T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
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“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
“That’s what” – She
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.