t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
You Might Also Like
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Doctors and Big Pharma are only in it for the money. My herbal remedies will save the lives of you and your family for only 4 easy payments of $62.95
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
thats my bad
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
everyone on this flight out of Philly was relying on the guy who shelled out for in flight wifi to periodically announce the score on the eagles game like the town crier in a midsized medieval village
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.