Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Darlainky

Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores

@TheMossman82

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

@JohnLyonTweets

[first date]

Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.

Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.

@liamoryan

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

@mister_blank

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

@PaperWash

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

@malt_skull

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

@roxiqt

ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches

ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke

@Cpin42

YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”

Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”