t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs

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If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.


My Uber driver just said I sound like a CapitalFM presenter named Anne Mwaura.


a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering


The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.


There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.


I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.


Political analyst said the way to defeat ISIS is to cripple them financially so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.


Today is awesome. I got pulled over by a cop on a bike. He even asked if I knew why he was “pulling me over”

You need a ride! Duh


Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.


[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*