t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
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I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
My whole life was a lie.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.