Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
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Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”