t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
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Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
#NoRestForTheWicked
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.