Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.

me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.

The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?

Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no

Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.

*Mr. Miagi on Twitter

I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.