T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
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If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Child: Turkey pancakes?!
Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.
Wife: I told you the bird was too big
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth