Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.

“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort

disney ceo: live action little mermaid

animator: yep

ceo: it’s in the ocean

animator: got it

ceo: coral reefs

animator: understood

ceo: lots of fish

animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.

I forgot how to panic. Help

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click

Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.

“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion

My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.

Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.

Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.

Me: I did not.

Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.

Me: I’m not feeding you.

Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.

Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited

Obama: Joe

Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

Bank robber: everyone get down now!

me *starts dancing frantically*

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.