Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

*me trying new contouring makeup

Them: now just blend it…blend it

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

My favorite sport ? Lasagna

when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.

Exec: *under breath* whoa

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…

A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.

Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive

not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air

Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope

You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.