Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”

Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?

I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.

Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

[10:06pm]

13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.

Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.

13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE

What Bob, you’re interrupting.

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.

Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.

My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is

What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize

If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…

The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.