T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
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Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Thanks to a fan for this one!
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
