Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.

Fibula: Silently plots revenge.

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

Just me and my debit card against the world

My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.

Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

wtf is a larm clock?

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”

me as soon as i see the dogs:

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses

Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho

*date night*

Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!

Me: …omelettes 🙁