T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
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wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.