Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons

having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.

The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.

In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.

If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not

“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”

“Are you drunk?”

“How do you know?”

“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”

#MothersDay

In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child

Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood

Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage

Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???

What did the 0 said to O?

Ohio!

Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear