Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.

Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”

Have kids they said…

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

I’m eating for two; me and the person I strive to be

*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

*weighs self after shaving

Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!

Women’s magazines:

Page 5: accept yourself for who you are

Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week

Page 12: best cake recipe

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.

[Creation]

God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes

Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.