Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream

Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

Fails drug test.

Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.

I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me:

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

Bike for sale

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail

I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.

My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

Dammit Chief not again

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten