Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.

This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.

Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he

I downloaded a Canadian true crime podcast and the first episode was about a guy who ordered a dozen doughnuts at Tim Hortons, but he received 13 instead… And he didn’t tell anybody.

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’

Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge

Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.

“We ride at dawn”

Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve

Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!

Also me: *lives alone*

Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.

Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.

Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”