Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.

– Horton Has to Poo

My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed

There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.

Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery

Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now

My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.

I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.

Judas: Never. He’s my friend.

Council: …and an iPad.

Judas: I hate that guy.

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.

ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?

Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins

My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.

My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog