Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?

Wife:

Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want

I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.

my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

Cat Burglar (noun)

: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice

🐈‍⬛😂🖤

murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

*strums guitar*

This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”

Hope you like it.

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.

Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.

What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.

Good: Waking up every day

Bad: in 2020