Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

honk shuah. sleep on that thang

Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?

Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…

6: you’ll never find me!

Me: *goes back to sleep*

Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have

ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.

the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings

Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.

Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring