*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
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HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
starting a garage orchestra
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭