*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
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Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Your secret is safeish with me
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend