Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.

If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody

It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

TREE: omg what happened to you

LOG: i was hacked

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?

J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]

I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?

My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.

*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:

“All sails are final.”

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

[Honest banana advertisement]

Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many

i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”

Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

My mother: What color do you look good in?

Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.

*first date*

Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight

[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme

I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.