Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.

I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m at 6%

professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger

[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*

dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.

Handing over my ID at the post office.

The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”

I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.