T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
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Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
we’re gonna need another temp
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.