T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
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We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
That’s easy for you to say
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.