Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

[Interrogation room]

Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK

Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.

WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST

4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.

The Odyssey must have seemed like such a goofy title when it came out. Imagine if someone nowadays wrote a book about a guy named Steve and called it The Stevening and it was taught it every school 1000 years later

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

fr

My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.

I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭

[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]

How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?

Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?

Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!

Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace

McDonald’s cashier: No

[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.