@dlicj

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

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@croninwhocares

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God

@mikeleffingwell

It’s weird how after they couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King’s men were like “Let’s give the horses a shot at it”

@amandajpanda

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?

@StoferComic

My brief gig as a lounge singer ended when I asked 4 requests & realized I didn’t know the song “Get Off the Stage or Die.” Elvis, maybe?

@Megatronic13

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

@MrEd_EVH

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

@AristotlesNZ

3yo just yelled “face-five!” & slapped his brother in the face. I’m totally using that at work tomorrow.

@BobTheSuit

Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.