“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
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It’s weird how after they couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King’s men were like “Let’s give the horses a shot at it”
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
My brief gig as a lounge singer ended when I asked 4 requests & realized I didn’t know the song “Get Off the Stage or Die.” Elvis, maybe?
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
[First Day As a Babysitter]
“Alexa, change the kid’s diaper”
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
3yo just yelled “face-five!” & slapped his brother in the face. I’m totally using that at work tomorrow.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.