t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
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11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!