t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
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I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.