Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.

Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016

Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.

If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”

Tim: “You did what?!”

Ian: “Baked you a pie.”

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.