Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?

Me: *takes the ducky* Why?

4: I dropped it in the toilet.

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back