Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
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Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
The jeans are skinny. I’m not
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
This could be us but you eatin’
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.