Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
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them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Selfie
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.