Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
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The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Dermatologist just told me this surgery is going to leave a scar.
Can we have a moment of silence for the death of my modeling career?
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”