Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
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15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I ate everything, including the H.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
I would describe my personal style as whatever is on top of the pile of clothes on the floor
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
me: i can handle my alcohol
5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish