Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
You Might Also Like
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
“Sheer Arrogance”
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.