Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
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oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Ah yes. The three genders
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
the world’s most popular steaming services
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”