Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
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2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
All. The. Damn. Time.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.