Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.

them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.

If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.

2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.

Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*

Person: So, what’s your favourite book?

Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

Me as a therapist: omg same

my sentiments exactly

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.

Her: Explain Twitter to me

Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?

H: Yes

Me: Much the same, just less compassion

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.

Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.

Other times they’re awake.

DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?