Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
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Priorities
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Knock Knock
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Me when I hear gossip
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives