Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

ME: Here, take my seat

EXECUTIONER: No thank you

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.

[first day in hell]

Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!

Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing

Satan: HAHAH- what?

Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy

Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?

I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.

all bases covered

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line

In marriage, there are two conversations:

The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?

him: no but I did see him play checkers

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare