Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…

A friend sent me this.

😊🦆

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.

My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”

*being born

my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT

Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks

*working out*

this is so much worse than i thought

My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it