[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
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***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down