[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
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Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Our lord and savoury.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”