[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
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If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
This took me a second..
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea