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@Big_Cat74: [taco bell 2am]
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
@LackOfShame: Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
@shariv67: No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You've gotta respect that.
@tonsmorecowbell: Somewhere in Africa, a bunch of orphans are about to be running around in confederate flag shirts.
@LoveNLunchmeat: You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
@shannonrwatts: My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”