[taco bell 2am]
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
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My grandma can hold her breath for over sixteen years!
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
getting animal crossing for my mom is the best thing i’ve ever done
Me: what are ya in for?
Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I realized I was an adult when I almost bought napkins instead of taking a wad of free ones from Chipotle. Almost.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?