@Big_Cat74

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

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@vineyille

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

@TomItUp

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

@GrillinChillin9

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

@PleaseBeGneiss

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

@Reverend_Scott

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

@runolgarun

I realized I was an adult when I almost bought napkins instead of taking a wad of free ones from Chipotle. Almost.

@Darlainky

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?