Just as bugs are drawn to bright lights, so are my toes drawn inexplicably to hard objects.
[taco bell 2am]
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
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Her: “If you can’t handle me at my-”
Me: “I’m going to stop you right there. I can’t. It’s fine.”
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
[chicken buying a car]
Salesman: Hop on in! You’re gonna love these bucket seats.
Chicken: OH GOD
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
if i was a character in a horror movie i would try to finish whatever i’m eating before i die