@Big_Cat74

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

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@SideOfWine

Just as bugs are drawn to bright lights, so are my toes drawn inexplicably to hard objects.

@nappydolemite

Her: “If you can’t handle me at my-”

Me: “I’m going to stop you right there. I can’t. It’s fine.”

@goldengateblond

Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

@radtoria

[chicken buying a car]
Salesman: Hop on in! You’re gonna love these bucket seats.
Chicken: OH GOD

@climaxximus

date: tell me about yourself

me: I want to kill the moon

date: I have a bit of a dark side too

me: [narrows eyes]

@ericsshadow

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

@thats_a_morey

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

@slimmy_shady

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

@SafyHallanFarah

if i was a character in a horror movie i would try to finish whatever i’m eating before i die