Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread

I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.

The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.

UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.

Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.

An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.

I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.

It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.

So, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.

Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater

“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”