Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
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I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
He took my last fry, your honor
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!