Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
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It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
The “research” scene in every horror movie
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute