Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
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My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.