Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….

It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.

I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:

🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.

Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]

My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.

Some people were born into their job.

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

host: name a famous tattoo artist

me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.

Tasted fine, too.

Woman love a men with good grammar

Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.