Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
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*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”