Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

Rich people don’t understand cereal

Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

[Sonic]

Me: … and 17 orders of tater…

Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.

Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*

uh oh

*frantically starts flipping through pages*

uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.

I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.

Wife: sum.

Me: human parts; four letters.

Wife: body.

Me: upon a time; four letters.

Wife: once.

Me: to pay; four letters.

Wife: toll.

Me: 90’s slang; three letters.

Wife: duh.

Me: refer to myself; two letters.

Wife: me.

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350

I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.

ME: I have very bad gas

BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what

ME: sorry I have very bad petrol

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.

My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers