Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
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In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
こいつ天才
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Not today
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.