Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
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going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I don’t like how far I have to scroll down when I enter my birth year online.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”