@hasht4g

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.

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@jwoodham

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

@megchambe

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

@lisaxy424

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

@sir_shithead_I

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

@dafloydsta

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

@liv_thatsme

I don’t like how far I have to scroll down when I enter my birth year online.

@Sweetonme81

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

@TheSharona06

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

@mommajessiec

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

@Manda_like_wine

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”