Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.

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Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?


going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people


I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.


*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.


[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes


I don’t like how far I have to scroll down when I enter my birth year online.


[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*


Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!


My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.


My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”