Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
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Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p