Taco Bell, Exit 22
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Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
sure, why not
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you