Taco Bell, Exit 22
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Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.